How To Become A Better Writer

There is a very strict set of rules you need to follow if you ever want to be considered a talented writer. The thing about these rules, though, is that you have to follow them very very closely. You cannot skimp on any detail, no matter how small it may seem. You are so very lucky that I am here to tell you exactly what you need to know. Follow the following rules, and you will, without a doubt, become one of the most successful authors ever.

1. Sell out. Write what people want to read. Don’t write about what you are passionate about.
2. Fake it til you make it. If you don’t know anything about the mundane topic you need to write about, then fake it. Pretend you know what you are talking about. Make stuff up. Lie.
3. Don’t listen to ANY constructive criticism. If anybody tries to give you any form of advice or feedback about your writing, ignore them. Maybe even punch them in the face. They don’t know what it takes to be a good writer.
4. Don’t proofread. Do not edit or proofread a single damn thing you write. That takes away all of the creativity and realness that you have already written. Don’t even spellcheck. Misspelled words add character and shows your reader that you know how to let go.
5. Don’t write every day. Only write sometimes. If you write every day or very often, then you will get burnt out and lose all of the good things you have to write about. Write once a week, or maybe once a month. And write for like ten hours straight without stopping. Write an entire book in one night. That will be your best product.
6. Kiss a publishers ass. If you take your book to a publisher and they want to change something, let them. Hell, let them change the whole thing. Don’t wait around for a publisher that likes your idea, be the author the publisher wants.
7. Write like your favorite author. They’re famous for a reason right? Steal their idea and their writing style. Be just like them, or nobody will read your writing. Do not, by any means, be original.
8. Sabotage other writers. You don’t want any competition, do you? There are many things you can do to either prevent or halt their success. Ask your writer friends their idea for their next book, and write is as fast as possible before they get the chance! Don’t let them write their book! If they are already a published author, accuse them of stealing. Form evidence that what they wrote was yours. Come on, you can figure it out!
9. Never leave your house. Inspiration does not come from getting out and living life. It comes from sitting at home, in your bed, eating cheerios. If you go outside, the atmosphere might steal  your award winning ideas before you even know you have them. Be careful!
10. Give up. If your book idea isn’t working out, just give up! You weren’t meant to be a writer anyway.

I am so glad you have taken the time to read this. You cannot be a good writer if you do not follow all of these rules perfectly. By following all of these rules, I have become an extremely successful writer at the young age of 18. You can be like me!