Ascend

Your lips taste like candy, sweet to the touch

Too sweet for me to bear; I say it’s far too much

Your kisses make my mouth water; though I also feel a bit parched

Craving you so bad, my mouth dry, back arched

Your hands slide down my body, all I see is your twisted smile

And that’s when I know, at least for tonight- I will be tortured for a while

Both our body’s slick, damp from overwhelming lovemaking

Passionate, intense, never-ending and thigh shaking

Our love is so pure, the stars are jealous

But as for me, oh god, I’m zealous

I nibble softly, sweetly at your ear

Hoping I may find a corner of your soul here

Let’s leave our bodies on the floor

Our souls make love, our hearts soar

From the tip of my toes, to the top of my head

I feel your love, deeper than any word ever said

For an eternity this goes on, I swear it will never end

Until finally our bodies collapse, and our souls ascend

Why I’m Miserable

Here’s my problem. I’m lazy. I can’t do the simplest of tasks. Even when I tell myself that it is literally the easiest thing to do I just can’t fucking do it.

For instance. I work tomorrow and needed to wash my work pants tonight. This was around noon. Putting my clothes in the washer is the simplest thing to do considering I walked past the washer about a dozen times, and past my dirty clothes at least twice that. I finally put my shit in the wash half an hour ago. At one in the morning. That’s just the beginning of my laziness for the day. I didn’t eat for twelve hours and when I finally did I indulged in a dry sandwich. Bread and ham. Because I was too lazy to grab a butter knife and put mayonnaise on it. I ate something that I didn’t enjoy because it was too much effort to spend an extra 15 seconds making it.

Another beautiful example of how swimmingly my day has gone is my playstation. I set it up in my living room early this morning. I then proceeded to play video games and watch netflix all day. Sadly, that’s not even the worst part. The real kicker is the fact that the only reason I haven’t gone to bed is because I’m too lazy to unplug it and move it back into my room. So because of that, I have been sitting in the same spot on my couch for no less than eight hours.

I went out for a cigarette and on my way back in I thought “since I’m going to be up all night anyway I might as well do some cleaning.” That was a great thought. Directly after it came “I have all night. I could probably watch a few more episodes of this show first.”

Well, I got close to thinking about doing something productive.

That’s all today. If we look at the past few months we find me avoiding college courses and failing, avoiding registering again, avoiding finding an actual job where I earn more than tips, and avoiding doing anything that could be deemed productive.

Oh well. I’m probably just gonna watch more Netflix anyway.

Depression

Everyone has their own battles that they face in their life. Every single human being has some obstacle that they have to overcome in order to do something in their lives. For many, most of what they go through stems from some form of traumatic event. For others it can be as simple as a chemical imbalance in their brain telling them to feel a certain type of way. Every person that you pass on the streets or on the bus are battling something in their life that might seem indefinite. These act as barriers between you and what you are meant to accomplish. Life is like a game. You don’t get to the end as soon as the game starts. You have to battle bad guys and find money and fend for yourself before you can even come close to reaching the end. Even when you reach the end, the game isn’t quite over. You’ve got this final boss that you now have to beat. What you don’t know about this final boss is that it’s you. It’s everything about yourself that you hate and everything about you that you wish could just go away. It is every single bad decision you have ever made, every loved one you’ve ever lost, and every time you have ever failed. This boss is here to beat you and keep you from finishing the game and moving on with your life. This boss has one sole purpose, and that is to pin you down with despair and emptiness. But your job as a warrior and hero is to stand up to it. Stand up to everything that holds you back and start telling yourself “it’s okay,” Start telling yourself that just because you’ve made mistakes doesn’t mean you don’t get to live a happy life. Because you do. You get to live the life that your ancestors died to give you. You get to live a life filled with joy and falling in love and working hard and being proud. Be proud of yourself for how far you have made it. Think about your life and everything you have gone through. After everything that has torn you apart, you are still here. Still breathing. Still living. Still beautiful. You have survived 100% of the things you’ve battled. That is an incredible accomplishment. Not everyone makes it through some of the things you are going through.

In my own journey, I have contemplated giving it all up more times than I can even count. Day after day I thought “what’s the point? Why am I still fighting?” Night after night I had to fight the urge to end it all and finally be free of all of my pain and suffering. But I couldn’t let this disease win. I was not going to be taken out of this world by something as manageable as depression. Sure, depression doesn’t seem manageable. I know that. But it honestly is. However, depression is not easy. It also is not something that you can just cure overnight. It’s clever and unexpected and it hurts in so many different ways. Depression knows exactly where to attack you to make it hurt the worst. Depression is pretty much like your evil twin if your evil twin lived inside your brain and knew all of your weaknesses. If your evil twin was out to destroy your life and suck you dry of every bit of hope you’ve ever felt, then they would be depression.

This disease is terrifying. It leaves you feeling hollowed out and alone. I cannot count the number of nights I have laid awake staring at the ceiling feeling like a 3 ton weight was set upon my chest. Depression is like all of the windows and doors are boarded up and you can’t go anywhere. You’re trapped and this poisonous fog has begun to creep around and surround you. You see it coming before you even feel it. Then when you do feel it, it’s like the wind has been knocked out of you and you’re gasping for air. There’s no one, nothing that can make this go away. You cry and cry and just pray that this episode will end soon. You pray that tomorrow is a better day and that tomorrow night isn’t riddled with the way you feel tonight. And cross your fingers that tonight isn’t accompanied by the nightmares that always seem to know exactly what will tear you apart.

I’m doing it!

I have been wracking my brain for months trying to think of some undefeatable idea for a book to write. Anything from Science Fiction to romance to Nonfiction. However, today it hit me. I have to start by writing what I know. And what I know is something that can help millions of other people. I have decided to write about my journey with depression and self harm and how I powered through it and defeated it. I am now coming up on three years of no self harm. Self harm is a lot like a drug. It becomes an addiction and it is honestly one of the hardest things I have ever had to kick. I have gone through many heartbreaking endings and changes in the past three years but have still found the strength within myself to not ever do that to my body again. I started getting tattoos and I saw the beauty that I could put on my body and promptly decided to never, EVER do anything ugly to my body again. I also know that if I can make it through something as terrifying as depression and the affect it has had on me, anyone can. I am the weakest person I know and still I found a never ending supply of strength. I am so super excited to get going on this book and start my legacy.

They say you just know when you find your purpose, and I do. I found this idea and suddenly everything came into view. I can and will change the world with my words.

Let me know if you would like to be a part of the process and possibly input some of your experiences with depression and/or anxiety. I love you all!

Excelsior!

I woke up today feeling amazing. Simple as that. The weather outside is beautiful and I have so much ahead of me. I just recently got out of a tremendously toxic and emotionally abusive relationship. I thought the man was the love of my life but I was so very wrong. This boy has been holding me back from so much and stripping me clean of the self respect I had for myself. Since getting out of that relationship I have registered for classes at Clackamas Community College and I start on the 28th of this month. I have several new job opportunities knocking my door down. I have discovered this brand new side of myself that is incredible. I am going to go big places in life. I am finally out of a rut that I honestly believed would last forever.

I wanted to share my glee with all of you because I have never been so happy in my entire life. I feel so blessed. I hope you all are experiencing some form of this as well. Much love. XOXO

live and let live

Life is a funny thing. It can seem great and blissful and everything you want it to be until one tiny thing happens and completely derails every feeling you previously had. For instance, you can trust someone as deeply as you can and never doubt a single thing about them. Then, out of nowhere, they do something that thoroughly destroys that trust. This can feel shattering and soul crushing unless you can turn it into a learning moment. If someone you love makes a mistake that seems fatal, it is their personal moment of weakness. It is no reflection on who you are and it is by no means your fault. A persons actions are their choice and they are to be held responsible for them. However, if they mess up so badly that it affects the way you think of yourself and you choose to forgive them, do not think of it solely as their moment of weakness. Think of it also as your moment of strength. Situations in which trust is broken shows a lot more about the one who it hurt than it does about the one who did the hurting. I have recently been through some things that have made me incredibly confused about my thoughts and feelings. I have been feeling invalidated and unimportant. No amount of soul searching has been able to fix this. However, I had a small chat with a friend of mine and witnessed a side of her that I didn’t know existed. I experienced her wisdom and generosity. I went through high school in her company and still very much so enjoy being around her. In the midst of my self hatred and disappointment as a result of someone losing my trust, she said some things that will forever stay in my mind and my heart. She spoke of how, during our last year of school, I worked the hardest out of all the seniors. She told me that she admires and looks up to me. She went on about my dedication and intelligence and how much it inspired her. I cannot express how encouraging it was to find out that I had had an impact like that on somebody. The talk that she and I had changed my viewpoint on myself and the way I viewed my position.

I guess the point of this post is to talk about how you can take a poor situation and turn it into a learning experience. Some things in life are out of your control, but what isn’t out of your control is how you handle the experience. Every day is a learning opportunity. Take advantage of it.

Damsel In (And Out Of) Distress

There is always some bit of good in the bad, and in opposition to that, some form of bad in the good. For the past month I have been stuck in what has seemed like an impossible desolation. I’ve been stressed, depressed, and sadly poorly dressed. I have hardly got out of bed or eaten very much at all. I can honestly say that I did not think I would make it out of this “rut.” I am extremely pleased to say that I have successfully escaped my purgatory. For now.

I had an interview this past Tuesday at my favorite gourmet burger joint. I was in there for maybe a little under an hour and went through an interview with all three of the managers. After what seemed like half of an interview, the first manager said that he would like me to speak to another manager whom was more in charge of the position I was qualified for. About the same amount of time into the second interview, this manager said that he wants me to talk to the lady in charge of a different position that he thinks I would be good for. I did not speak with the last lady for any longer than seven minutes and she offered to bring me onto the team. I have orientation this coming up Tuesday and I am beyond stoked. Things are finally starting to fall into place.

Things might seem rough at times but there is always, always, always a light at the end of the tunnel.

Unrelated: We get goosebumps when we are cold right? So, if it is a physical response to an environmental change, why do we experience these same goosebumps when we read or watch something sad or endearing? This is a topic that I just might retouch later after I have done some research. I am very intrigued.

UGH

I was laying in bed about the fall asleep when I just couldn’t take it anymore. I am effing stuck. I don’t give a damn about anything anymore. I feel as though I am simply floating through life and not experiencing a single thing. I have not felt joy, sorrow, anger, disappointment, or any other emotion. I am playing the part of a normal, breathing, loving individual. But she is gone. The woman I was a month ago has disappeared into thin air. I am an empty shell of my former self.

I know that I absolutely adore my boyfriend, but I don’t feel it. I can’t tell if I am still happy or searching for something better. I don’t know if I am content with my lover or entirely bored.

I don’t know if I even want to write, or go to college, or read anymore.

I have lost all interest in television shows, books, and being social.

I. Am. S T U C K.

This is unpracticed and poorly written but I seriously just could not hold it in anymore.

Internet!!

I have been out of internet for several days, probably closer to a couple of weeks. I have not been able to get a single damn thing done. This has made me realize that technology plays a bigger part than I may have thought. I am not a high school graduate and on my way to being a college freshman. Since getting internet back I have been applying for jobs like crazy. I feel like I need something in my life. I need something other than the internet, my parents, and my boyfriend. I need to make a name for myself. I desperately need to feel worthy and I am finding that extremely difficult.

Side note, I have been outlining and planning my novel. The plot I am forming feels like it could actually go somewhere and I am so freaking excited. If any of you would like to know the plot, please let me know. I would love to tell you all about it.

Last note, have any of you had any issues with Wikipedia lately? I tried to post an article and every time I went to publish it it said it saved but then disappeared. And now the website won’t even load for me. If anyone has any information about this please please let me know because it is vital I get this done.

Thank you!

Art Journal

Good morning! I am starting an art journal effective immediately. I will be expressing my thoughts and feelings through visuals and I may or may not show you all what I have in it here and there. If any of you have ever dabbled in the art of art journaling, let me know your techniques and layouts. Thanks 🙂